Choice | Los Alamos | New Mexico


My life surprised me many times. When I was two years old, I was surprised to discover wholes in my nose. I cried as my world ended and asked my mom “who did that to me?!”.  As a ten year old, when my father left I realized that some people you love can leave you behind. In collage I was surprised how envy people can be of things you have and you work hard for. But the biggest surprise was yet to come- a boy.  I fell in love. To that point I was convince that there is not much for me in life, simple journey with one chapter book. But love changes everything. Mine brought me up to the toughest decisions I had to make. I had to choose between my family and a boy. It was heartbreaking as years later I left all what I knew and loved for more than twenty years. With two suitcases I arrived on airport, where he waited for me. We have not seen each other for more than six hundred days. My knees were soft, and I looked in to his face to find anything close to my heart. I was afraid that all of it is just my imagination where I created the perfect love, and he was just a reflection of it. I was afraid of making a mistake, committed by many women wanting to see what did not exist, what is just wishful thinking, a sigh to a burning candle.

He hugged me as hard as the previous times. I was trembling, and tasted tears from Warsaw's airport. I kept seeing my family. They waved, smiled and I was burning inside. Every drop of joy to see him again, was overtaken by the flame of sorrow. I felt like I would never see them again, like I was consciously dying. All broken up, I held him by the hand, going to our home, little white house, like dreaming... like I was dreaming. It was so cozy. He tried to make me feel as if I never left.

The first few weeks I was stunned, frightened, confused. I did not understand everything that was said to me, every step was an effort. I was afraid to get the mail, to pick up a phone or to talk to anyone. After a month I got a ring. I cried not only from happiness, but also because I could not run to show it off to my family and friends, because I was coming to the end of chapter in my life.

We planned a little wedding in a hurry. I was afraid to enjoy it, because I knew how much my mom will miss not seeing me walking down the aisle. Tears flowed, grief chocked. I did not know what is to come. Before the wedding day, I called my mom. I was crying ... again. I was afraid that it's all a mistake, and that I abandoned all I had for someone who I really did not know. After all, people spend many years together before marriage. They live and spend time getting to know each other, and what I did?  I met him in Poland 4 years before. We dated for a few months, when he got orders to return to the States. Our whole relationship was hundreds of pages of e-mails and long conversations over the phone.  My mom tried to reassure me, but how you could stay calm knowing that person close to you is hurting. My love had a price, and still does.

In May we will be married twelve years.  My choice even with the biggest price was the right one. Great things come with hard work and strong heart. I realized that all our effort is in our hands. It's a matter of choosing. Nothing is unreachable, and they only thing holding us back is our fear of what we need to choose from after reaching the end of the chapter.


photo credit: retirement ceremony Spliced Frame Production

wedding photo Thank you to my awesome sister in law Kellie!


Steve Zawistowski(non-registered)
wow. what a great story, and beautifully written.
No comments posted.